Archive for the self Category

that which shall remain unsaid

Posted in self on May 26, 2009 by alissaclare

Taken from the glorious Ms. Sizzle.  Things that shall remain unsaid.

 

“I think you create your own drama.  And that you thrive on it.”

“I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“I think you did it for attention.”

“I don’t think you should have a baby.”

“I don’t trust a thing you say as genuine”

“I think therapy has actually made you worse.”

“I think you could try harder with your mother-in-law.”

“Your strict rules have created a fearful child.”

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on the verge of vegetarianism

Posted in self on May 18, 2009 by alissaclare

Not too long ago my mom and I discovered the joys of purchasing meat from our local farmers.  I have been a proponent for supporting my local farmer’s market for years, however the one I usually frequent does not carry local meat aside from the slab of bacon here and there (which ohmygoshsogood).

This month, my mom’s book club is reading Barbara Kingslover’s book “Animal, Vegetable, Miracle”  documenting her family’s quest to eat local for a year.  Due to the topic of the book, my mom, always one for a theme, decided that she wanted to make a meal for her book club using only local ingredients.  Thus begun our relationship with the local meat suppliers.

We started off small, a few cuts of chicken a couple weeks ago which were so delicious.  The meat wasn’t blotchy, there weren’t fat globules all over, and it tasted so good.  We spoke with the farmer and found that he only feeds his chickens corn and gives them plenty of room to roam which builds up their muscles.  Also?  A happy chicken is a delicious chicken.

Ok, I’m glad I know that my chicken was happy.  That it ate corn, that this is the man that slaughtered it for me…. or am I?

Next, I bought a couple pork chops from an amish farmer.  They looked great, so much better than what you find in the grocery store.  I marinated them in some white wine, soy sauce, chicken broth with ginger & garlic.  I sauteed them on the stove last night.  They looked good, they smelled good… 

then

oh my gosh

there is blood coming out of that bone

like blood blood

it’s red like my blood

it’s coming from that bone

oh my gosh

that pork chop too

the same thing

it’s not purple blood, or brown – it’s red

my pork chop is bleeding in the pan

and I got quesy.

I really do want to know where my food comes from, but I never realized the little haze I’ve lived my life in when it comes to meat.  I’m now facing the fact that I may only be ok with eating meat, because it’s so over processed when I buy it in the grocery store that I forget it’s even meat.  I’ve been able to separate it from the animal for so long, that I’m not sure I can stomach actually knowing where it came from and remembering, as I’m eating it, that it was an animal once.

I can’t really justify going back at this point, I believe in eating local, feel passionate about it even.  And since I know where to find local meat, I don’t feel comfortable going back to my naive state.  However, I’m not sure I can move forward as a carnivore any longer.  

I’m not complaining about making the shift, however, my husband might.

vanity fair

Posted in self on April 14, 2009 by alissaclare

I love Terroni, and not just because she has supplied me with a blog post, but because it’s apparently from Vanity Fair, and I also happen to love Annie Liebovitz.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Peace.  Being secure with my purpose in life, confidence in my ability to be a good person, mother, wife, friend etc… Knowing without a doubt that I’ve done the best I can and lived life to the fullest every possible moment.

2. What is your greatest fear?

Losing my resiliance at some point.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Worrying too much about things out of my control.

4. What is the trait that you most deplore in others?

Cruelty.

5. What living person do you most admire?

Hmmm… that’s a tough one.  Anyone who has used their good fortune to love and help others.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?

Fresh flowers?  Although I haven’t partaken in a while.  Good food.

7. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Prudence.

8. On what occasion do you lie?

When I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings and it isn’t necessary to be that honest.  Where a kind word is better than the whole truth.

9. What do you dislike most about your appearance?

My eyesight – sometimes I leave the house thinking I look great, I catch a glimpse of myself later and eh…. not so much.  I think mine eyes are playing tricks on me.

10. What living person do you most despise?

Oprah maybe.  She has way too much pull.  And isn’t very nice.

11. What words or phrases do you most overuse?

NICE.  I also clap and point a lot.

12. What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Evan for sure, I’m kind of amazed daily by how much I love that man.  Also, my love for my nephew and nieces kind of scares the crap out of me, if I love them that much, how the heck am I going to love my own kids?

13. When and where were you happiest?

As much as our trip to Bonnaroo a few years ago sucked (I’ll save that story for another time/place) there was one day, the day we got out and drove to Chattanooga and went to the acquarium and the combination of being free and doing something we loved together, then going back to Bonnaroo to see Radiohead live.  Might be one of my happiest times.

Also, the time I flew out to San Francisco to visit Sandra and we got lost for hours on Hwy 1 trying to find a trail head, but had one of the best conversations of my life, with one of my dearest friends in one of my favorite places.  It made me very happy.

14. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would stop worrying so much and just take the plunge, any plunge.  I would give up control and stop thinking everything has to be a plan.  I would have more confidence in myself.

15. What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Throwing out all of my emotional junk and preconceptions and allowing myself to choose to love Evan.  Greatest decision I ever made.

16. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

Probably some sort of dog.

17. Where would you like to live?

Currently I want to move to Chelsea or Dexter Michigan.  I would love to live in San Francisco sometime.

18. What is your most treasured possession?

My engagement/wedding rings and my jewelry from my grandmothers.

19. What is your favorite occupation?

I love what I’m doing right now.  Working at a museum would be cool too though.

20. What is your most marked characteristic?

My compassion?  Planning prowessness?

21. What do you most value in your friends?

Sincerity.

22. Who are your favorite writers?

Ann Patchett, James Frey, Rob Bell

23. Who is your favorite hero or heroine of fiction?

Anne of Green Gables

24. Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Sarah – continuously laughing in God’s face and not embracing his power and faithfulness until I’m knocked on my butt by it.

25. What is it that you most dislike?

Repetitive voids.

People that don’t respect others.

25. What is your greatest regret?

I try not to ruminate on that.

26. How would you like to die?

In my sleep.  And very old.

27. What is your motto?

“It’s part of my charm”

do over

Posted in self on April 6, 2009 by alissaclare

This morning I woke up with a cold.  Took a shower, felt a bit better, gathered my things for work, walked outside, greeted the snow with my middle finger and then promptly fell down my front steps.

My upper left butt cheek is going to have an enourmous bruise shortly here.

Happy Monday, I want a do over.

letting go

Posted in self on March 16, 2009 by alissaclare

It really is harder than I thought.

gratitude

Posted in self on March 5, 2009 by alissaclare

I was reading this article earlier today.

This paragraph really stood out for me:

Gratitude has a lot to do with life satisfaction, psychologists say. Talking and writing about what they’re grateful for amplifies adults’ happiness, new studies show. Other researchers have found that learning to savor even small pleasures has the same effect.

So, to look back on when I need it most, here is my list of things I’m grateful for.

  1. An amazing, supportive husband full of integrity.
  2. A home that I love, with neighbors I adore.
  3. A stable job where I feel challenged.
  4. Living well below our means, so that we’re able to live on just my income.
  5. A family that is loving and accepting.
  6. In-laws that I love and adore.
  7. A niece and nephew that brighten my darkest days.
  8. A warm, comfy bed.
  9. Fantastic friends, near and far.
  10. A passion for cooking.
  11. Book club.
  12. My health.
  13. Phone calls with my sisters.
  14. A city I love that is strong and has seen worse things than this economy, and prevailed.
  15. My ability to forgive.
  16. Compassion.
  17. Small Group.
  18. A fury dog that loves to snuggle.
  19. Excitment for the future.
  20. Peace with the past.

up/down

Posted in self on March 2, 2009 by alissaclare

I’ve battled depression in the past.  For the past 6+ years I’ve been on medication for it from time to time, but about 6 months ago I stopped taking my medication.  I was confident in my ability to cope, life was good, or at least steady even in the times when it was stressful.  I had been in aggressive therapy and learned a new set of tools deal with the ups and downs of my mental state.  Also?  We’re looking to start a family soon and I wanted to make sure I had a good 6 months under my belt to see how I did.  And for the most part?  I’ve been great.

However, it’s a time of year when my mental state sometimes gets the best on me, blame it on the season and the itching desire to see some sun and green, or the fact that my birthday is right around the corner which means I’m a year older, or the fact that a couple of years ago, this was a very hard time of year for me for a host of reasons I’m not willing to dive into just yet.  Like clockwork though, yesterday, March 1st I felt the train hit me.  I’m ok, I’ve got some great tools remember?  But it’s hard not to get wrapped up in my own mind, not to worry that I’ll feel like this forever, when really I know, I won’t feel like this forever.

So I’m struggling with acceptance.  The acceptance that this is just the way things are, I have my ups and downs and I need to learn to just roll with it.  Accept it as a part of me, embrace it maybe?  At the very least, realize this is a part of who I am, and most likely something I will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life.  And that’s ok.  

But I’m realizing I need a touchstone of sorts, some way to remember the good things when I’m in a bad place.  Some way to remember what if feels like when my mind isn’t in its deepest corners, some way to see the sliver of light in all of this.  So I need to figure this out.  How to create a piece of hope, and store it in that dark place so that when I’m blinded, I can find it again.