up/down

I’ve battled depression in the past.  For the past 6+ years I’ve been on medication for it from time to time, but about 6 months ago I stopped taking my medication.  I was confident in my ability to cope, life was good, or at least steady even in the times when it was stressful.  I had been in aggressive therapy and learned a new set of tools deal with the ups and downs of my mental state.  Also?  We’re looking to start a family soon and I wanted to make sure I had a good 6 months under my belt to see how I did.  And for the most part?  I’ve been great.

However, it’s a time of year when my mental state sometimes gets the best on me, blame it on the season and the itching desire to see some sun and green, or the fact that my birthday is right around the corner which means I’m a year older, or the fact that a couple of years ago, this was a very hard time of year for me for a host of reasons I’m not willing to dive into just yet.  Like clockwork though, yesterday, March 1st I felt the train hit me.  I’m ok, I’ve got some great tools remember?  But it’s hard not to get wrapped up in my own mind, not to worry that I’ll feel like this forever, when really I know, I won’t feel like this forever.

So I’m struggling with acceptance.  The acceptance that this is just the way things are, I have my ups and downs and I need to learn to just roll with it.  Accept it as a part of me, embrace it maybe?  At the very least, realize this is a part of who I am, and most likely something I will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life.  And that’s ok.  

But I’m realizing I need a touchstone of sorts, some way to remember the good things when I’m in a bad place.  Some way to remember what if feels like when my mind isn’t in its deepest corners, some way to see the sliver of light in all of this.  So I need to figure this out.  How to create a piece of hope, and store it in that dark place so that when I’m blinded, I can find it again.

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4 Responses to “up/down”

  1. Sometimes I think we dip into the dark so we can better appreciate the light.

    I’m thinking of creating a “surrender box” so I can put my worries and fears aside and keep on living.

  2. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, but glad you’ve learned tools to help. As for the touchstone, I like to volunteer (there’s always someone less fortunate than I), or look at pictures – of family, friends, trips, etc. Any that make me smile. I like Sizz’s idea of a “surrender box”.

  3. I think you need to force yourself to take time to record your happiest days somehow — whether via writing, photos, videotape…something. Put the happy memory recordings somewhere, and talk (out loud) about them when you’re sad — somehow, saying things out loud makes you feel them more, I think.

    Also, wine is awesome.

  4. I’m with Sandra. One I’ve learned lately is to read ancient parts of my weblog and see that, in fact, I am happy a lot of the time. And then sad. But then happy again.

    I tend to lose sight of the whole when I’m depressed and having others tell me that doesn’t always help. But I usually listen to myself, talking from my own past.

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